The same anonymous teen posted both of these questions:
1) "Well i like this guy but i just got out of a long relationship and i want to be friends. What do i do?"
2) "I like this guy but i told him i just want to be friends. How do we hang out?"
Hi Anon: What I didn't know when I was a teen was that to master relationship communication I had to choose to initiate uncomfortable communications. That is to say, to this day there are dozens of situations in which my first reaction is uncomfortableness. Had I been willing to choose to sound stupid or dorky I could have said exactly what was on my mind. I believe what you're dealing with is two things. One is that my sense tells me you're dealing with a lie which has now created this problem. The other is that you're dealing with fear.
The lie is that you didn't tell him the whole truth, that he simply doesn't move you. And you haven't communicate this clearly. The chemistry isn't there. He's not what you're looking for. The test of this is to look and see if there is someone for whom you'd jump at the chance if he asked you out. If not, then forget what I said about a lie.
However, if there is someone you would date, then this "friend" knows that you're not telling him the truth. It could be said that you've hooked him with possibilities. Your fear of telling the truth keeps him incomplete. The truth would go something like this. "Thank you. I'm flattered. I would enjoy hanging out with you, but absolutely nothing else. Two things come to mind. I want to take a rest from just dating one specific person, and, the truth is you're not my type." This would either trigger upset, or, he would ask you what your type is. Few teens are conscious enough to choose to be uncomfortable and experience rejection so he'd probably stuff the uncomfortableness and talk small-talk so as to extract himself and save face.
Here's the difficult part, where you get to choose to be uncomfortable, you could then say, "If you want I can share a few thoughts about you that causes me to not want you as a boyfriend.
1) If my number ten saw me with you he might look elsewhere.
2) In my opinion I saw you at the ______ and saw how you treated ___ and I didn't like it. Or, "I heard from ____________ that you _____ and that bothers me a lot." Or, "I saw how you treated your parents (or a teacher) and I didn't like it." Or, "I can see having you as a friend but you come across as too needy to be my boyfriend." Well, you get the drift. Tell the truth and everything will work out perfectly.
I am concerned that you apparently don't have open and honest communication with your parents, enough so that you would feel comfortable going to either of them for advice about this concern. This is the far more important issue. The fact that you didn't set the new boy straight immediately, that in his mind he still thinks there's a remote possibility, indicates that you do have lots of fear in your relationship with others. Fear comes from a single interaction with a parent (day, date, time, location)—the very first specific communication with one of your parents that did not end well. From that interaction your mind formulated the strategy to not communicate spontaneously for fear of.... Not to worry, most adults have a similar incomplete, a single childhood conversation, that they are still run by.
You could go to your mom and tell her you were afraid to ask her and tell her why. This would be awesome. It would create space for you to be spontaneous with everyone—for life.
Another answer is: Not to worry. All boys know, or learn quickly, that to be put in the "friend" category means that you don't think of them romantically. In other words, he'll get it eventually.
Let me know if this helped at all.
BTW: It's a great question, one that others will get value from reading.
With aloha,
Kerry
P.S. Are you sure that you're not motivated by the possibility of getting back together with your ex? I recall not wanting to be seen with another in hopes that an ex would see how much I miss them; so much so that I'm not even dating. Also, to be seen with a friend of an ex might hurt the ex's feelings so I'd play martyr.
Last edited 3/28/21
