Local health care orgs commit to defining abuse

[Kerry]

News release I'd like to read

Ten health care organizations in Hawaii,* all addressing domestic violence, agree to define abuse.

A spokesperson for the group of ten organizations announced today that, . . . the newly formed group will continue meeting monthly for the sole purpose of engaging in the conversations it will take to arrive at a universally recognized definition of abuse. To quote Kerry King, a Big Isle leadership-relationship communication-skills coach, --All effort and money spent on preventing, eliminating, reducing, or controlling abuse is to no avail until we agree on its definition."  We have agreed to begin with Kerry's definition below and refine and expand upon it until we have consensus.

“We've noticed that within our group of professionals committed to preventing abuse there are differences of the definition of the word abuse. Amongst ourselves, we agree that yelling at a child is abusive, but most are reluctant to have a parent whom they know yells at their child, acknowledged that the yelling is abusive. Several members declare that though they themselves believe hitting (euphemistically referred to as spanking) a child is abusive, they still adamantly defend (non-verbally enable) a parent's option to hit their child. It's become painfully obvious that our resistance to defining abuse, our positions about abuse, actually supports continued abuse. Equally important are our hypocritical make-wrongs about the civil rights violations of those in certain countries yet we non-verbally opt for another 24-hours of parents verbally abusing children.”

It's good to remember that 50 years ago it was OK for teachers to hit children, in that regard, we've come a long way. Years from now we'll be saying how abusive we were back then (now) to support any form of abuse.

Teachers acknowledge that they can tell when a child is being verbally abused at home; such children are comparatively shut down (they carry with them into each interaction the fear of being invalidated verbally/non-verbally, of being admonished for spontaneity).

Begin Definition

Abuse: 1) Any interaction, any communication (verbal, non-verbal, physical, or psychic), that detracts from the aliveness, well-being, or serenity of another. 2) A way of acting, to include silence, withholding the truth or parts of it, avoiding (not answering/misdirecting) a question, frowning, pouting, smirking, stink-eye, rolling-eyes, thwarting, insulting, swearing, putting down, invalidating, condescending, raised voice, frightening, upsetting, shocking, yelling, screaming, jabbing, pushing, shoving, jerking, grabbing, yanking, pulling another's arm in upset, spanking, slapping, bringing to one's senses with a loving firm slap, hitting, punching, or kicking.

Equally important: It is abusive to create space for the above. You have an effect on others; you communicate and produce results merely by standing silently in a crowded room. "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Just because one is unaware of how they produced a result doesn't mean they didn't cause it.

End Definition

Note: This definition serves as a reference point, of what abuse is; it's not a Do Not Do List. Most of us have no choice other than to abuse when were are abusing or being abused. What we do have is a choice to observe ourselves having created abuse and to verbally acknowledge each abusive communication.

It's not that one is abusive to another, we've been programmed to hide upsets, thoughts, and considerations until we explode at someone. What compounds the effects of any abuse, what trains a child to later abuse his/her own children, is that his/her parents failed to verbally acknowledge each and every instance of abuse.

For example:

Parent: "I get that my yelling at you earlier today didn't feel good; I know it was abusive."

Notice the acknowledgment doesn't explain, justify or apologize for the abuse--simply acknowledging each and every instance of abuse eventually puts one in choice, to abuse or not.

Help define abuse by posting your suggestions as a Reply here. (free registration required)

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• The Hawaii State Coalition Against Domestic Violence
• Verizon Support for Domestic Violence Prevention
• Family Peace Centers--Maui, Oahu
• Na Kane Ho’apo A psycho-educational violence prevention curriculum for adolescent males
• PACT Puʻuhonua Domestic Violence Center
• Domestic Violence Advocacy Child & Family Services
• Army Victim Advocacy Program
• Marine Corps Family Advocacy Program
• Domestic Violence Resource Network (DVNR)
• Domestic Violence Clearinghouse and Legal Hotline--Hawaii

Last edited 8/7/22[/size]