A news report I'd like to read:New agreement added to wedding ceremonies.A friend or relative of the wedding couple will serve as the supporter of a new
* additional wedding agreement. The Supporter will deliver the following, verbally and in writing, to each partner prior to the vows:
"I'd like you agree to call me immediately after your first heated (angry) argument. Together we will become clear about the incident so as to complete it; this clearing process supports us in communicating responsibly (from cause). It acknowledges our addiction to blaming and to abusing and being abused, to unconsciously setting life up to be abused. Specifically, it acknowledges our addiction to withholding and to dragging remnants of prior arguments (incompletes) into supposedly new arguments. Talking about an incident causes more of the same whereas communication restores your integrity (specifically, disappearing blame and make-wrong) and puts you back in choice—to abuse or not. Can I count on you to honor this agreement?"
This Supporter's Agreement, a.k.a. the
Wedding Guest Vow, supports responsibility for all concerned. It supports the following premise:
Between couples there are no abuse "victims," merely consenting sparring partners.
All physical abuse begins with incident #1 (usually a non-verbal or verbal abuse) that was not resolved through to mutual satisfaction. The "victim" did not insist upon their partner communicating, "I get that what I said earlier did not feel good."
Note 1: This agreement is not meant to prevent divorces, only to support mutually satisfying open and honest, blame-free, supportive relationships—whether a couple remains married or not.
Note 2: An argument is seldom about what each believes it's about; the burnt toast is just the trigger. The majority of arguments are about an earlier similar incident (often during childhood) that was not completed through to mutual satisfaction. Given our propensity for stuffing thoughts, ostensibly in the name of harmony, we accumulate dozens of
withholds that become
incompletes; typically, we explode abusively with a litany of collected incompletes. The situation is somewhat resolved but the source of the incident (who caused it, who intended it) was not acknowledged and so it's added to the list of incompletes that often include, "You never ...", "You always ...". "He always ...", etc. This knee-jerk pattern of blaming is repeated, even after the divorce.
* Actually, this has always been an implied agreement.
