Tell parents I know about them smoking MJ?
Topic Request: "what if you know your parents are smoking pot, should you tell them you know or keep it to yourself."
Anonymous:
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Date: Monday August 22, 2005
Time: 09:08 +0800
Great question:
For you to write indicates that you have fear in your relationship with your parents. Not to worry, 99% of all teens do (they hide one or more subjects from parents). What's important for you to know is that you're not to blame for the fear. Parents who communicate openly and honestly with each other impart that behavior to their children. Your parents also have things they don't discuss with you or each other for fear of....
You have two choices. The first seems the easiest. Don't confront your fear and forget the idea of letting them know that you know they smoke pot. This choice means you'll be doing your imitation of communication with them for life. You can't totally be with them because you aren't being honest with them. The incident becomes an incomplete. Incompletes serve as barriers to the experience of communication (love). The second choice is obvious; tuck your fear under your arm and not let it serve as a barrier to open, honest, and spontaneous communication with your parents, and tell them you know. Let them know that keeping the thought to yourself has been bothering you, causing you to think about whether to tell them or not, and that the thought withheld has been affecting your ability to be with others and to concentrate (study) —both absolutely true.
Here's the kicker: Both ways of handling the problem have enormous consequences. It's truly a fork in the road for you. If you elect to shut down and use fear as your reason you will have hundreds and hundreds of such opportunities to confront your fear—for the rest of your life. And, each time you elect to withhold a thought from someone close to you the consequences are compounded. It's as though your integrity (your all-knowing God-self) knows the correct answer and each time you opt to shut down you pay yourself back.
I say both ways have consequences because choosing to confront your fear will result in a whole new relationship with your parents. And, most importantly, it will make it easier and easier to be spontaneously honest with everyone for the rest of your life. Your parents are your final exam for open and honest communication, the kind that produces magnificent relationships. If you fail the test as a teen, not to worry, you'll have thousands of opportunities to take the test over and over again until you wake up and choose to operate from integrity.
Every single adult I have coached with their communication skills have had to go back and clean up their first withhold with their parents. That number one incident is called an incomplete. Incompletes give rise to all the less-than-satisfying interactions (relationships), for your entire life. Cleaning them up now, acknowledging all thefts, lies, abuses, and deceits (all unacknowledged perpetrations) will allow you to work on grown-up stuff when you're an adult rather than the same old childhood stuff when you're an adult.
What most people don't know is that we all have the ability to tell when we are in the presence of someone who communicates openly and honestly and someone who hides thoughts and perpetrations. If you elect to hide thoughts now, you'll only be able to attract partners who also hide things. Those who communicate openly and honestly will stay away from relationships with you because they can sense your withholds with your parents, it's an aura thing.
It could be said that the genius in you has set up your parents to present you with this opportunity. If you pass the test then they will have succeeded as parents. On the other hand, if you wish to punish them and keep them from experiencing they did a great job raising an honest child, one who is not afraid to tell the truth, then of course hide what you know about them from them. It's called controlling another. It keeps them and you incomplete.
Here's an example of what it might sound like should you opt to come clean: You: "Mom, Dad, do you have a few minutes? I'd like to talk with you about something." Dad: "Sure son, what is it?" You: "I need to have you both sitting down. I need to have your undivided attention. When would be a good time?" Dad: "How about this evening? What's it about?" (Notice here that he's trying to wrest control from you. Don't let him. Part of the test is for you to take charge. Remember, you are teaching them something and as such you are now their parent. If they had been open and honest and responsible adults they wouldn't have set you up by presenting you with this unethical dilemma). You: "I'll tell you when we are all sitting down." Dad: "Jesus, what's it about?" You: "That's OK Dad. I'm not feeling comfortable with your anger. You're just going to have to trust me that it will be best to talk about it when you can give me about 30 minutes and can sit down with me."
Now, you're sitting down: You: "Mom, Dad, first I'm extremely uncomfortable with what I want to talk about. I'm afraid that you might get angry with me. I'm afraid that you'll tell me it's none of my business...." Keep communicating all your fears and then tell them what you know. It's best that you're not coming from self-righteousness or from wanting to change them. The more space you have for them to smoke or not smoke, the more space you'll create for communication to take place.
Lots of teens have fear about talking about certain subject matter with their parents so many will get value from reading this.
Thanks,
Kerry
