how to communicate with parents about issues happening in school, alone on free time etc
Topic_Request: how to communicate with parents about issues happening in school, alone on free time etc
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Date: Friday February 18, 2005
Time: 08:15 +0800
Hi Anon: The short answer is you can’t—not without first undergoing about 25 hours of counseling/communication skills coaching. You are programmed to have fear in your relationship with your parents and many many others like them for the rest of your life. The fear pattern will get triggered in your relationship with anyone who looks, talks, or moves like either of your parents, or even sounds or smells like either one.
Your fear began with a number one incident. You were, say, 5-years-old and you asked one of your parents a question, told them something personal, or acted in a particular way. His/her reply was of anger/disapproval or invalidation (it was abusive). Most people run to their room and fall asleep immediately after such a traumatic experience—it’s called going unconscious. It’s possible that when your mind tries to recall the incident, so as to complete it, to disappear the effect it has been having on you, you will might not be able to member it because it could be hidden under a layer of unconsciousness. This is why I say you’ll need a coach, a person who is skilled at getting communications. Keep in mind, at first you will have the same fear in your relationship with your coach (an authority figure) as you do with your parents. Many people unwittingly find therapists whom they intuitively know they can manipulate into not finding the number one incident.
You might ask, “Why would someone go to therapy and thwart the therapist?” Part of your problem is that you presently blame your parents for your inability to communicate spontaneously with them. Your mind honestly thinks that if only they were different, if only they were more open, if only they would take more interest in me, I wouldn’t have this problem. In other words your mind is addicted to blaming. You have not only been taught to be afraid to tell the truth, to communicate openly, honestly and spontaneously with the people you love most, you have been taught to blame them and others for your problem. When you get to the source of your problem, (recall your number one incident having to do with fear) you’ll have the option to accept responsibility for the incident or to continue blaming them for life. If you opt to accept responsibility for having caused your parent to abuse you (for as yet some unknown but brilliant reason) your fear will begin to dissipate if not completely disappear.
All that being said, you could also show them this post. But we know that that’s probably too much fear to confront. They are oblivious to the fact that they have trained this child to be afraid of them. In a healthy household children are spontaneous, sometimes embarrassingly so, but his/her parents are validated by their child’s spontaneity because with spontaneity comes happiness, creativity, and trustworthiness. Presently you can’t be trusted to say what’s on your mind to adults. Your parents would be hurt to know that have damaged you so much and they may or may not be moved to get therapy. But don’t count on it; they too are addicted to blame. Most parents aren’t moved to get help until it’s too late, say for example, you’re in jail for murder. Consequently, many children end up in jail so as to punish their parents for not caring enough to get therapy.
It would be valuable for you to read about the
Community Support Group Project. The project is based upon the fact that you won’t be able to completely heal yourself until you remove yourself from the effects your parents have on you with each and every subtle communication; all their nonverbal and verbal communications reinforce your fear. If they don’t also attend 25 hours of coaching (get rehabilitated) you don’t stand a chance of doing so for as long as you continue to interact with them Put another way, 42% of all parolees return to interacting with their friends and parents and then end up back in jail. Unless the community undergoes concurrent rehabilitation, the way it communicates, it’s collective leadership communications skills, cause some people to fail in life.
In the meantime, study hard, if you can. Participate in as many school activities as you can so as to keep your mind occupied. Intend that your parents not be interested in you in support of some brilliant master plan you have yet to discover. Why do I say "not?" To master life you begin by intending what's so to be so. As Seven says, "resistance is futile." Also, choose to be afraid of them. Walk around the house pretending to be extremely afraid— but not so as to let them know what you’re doing, else they'll think you're crazy. Choose to hide things (withhold thoughts) from them and then notice the effects of deceit and withholds. In other words, dramatize your fear. In so doing you’ll notice that you will begin to have choices as to when to be afraid and when not to. You could also try acting brave, secure, confident, etc. it gives the mind a game to play until it’s ready to confront the number one incident.
Lastly, keep coming back to this reply from time to time. Each time you reread it you’ll discover something new.
With aloha,
Kerry
