What's best way to ask a girl out?
Hi Anon: What we're dealing with here is fear. A person who communicates openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero significant thoughts withheld, would simply choose to experience the uncertainty and uncomfortableness. They would approach the girl and say something like, "Hi. My name is XXX. I've seen you several times now and I keep meaning to ask your name." It doesn't matter what you say, it always turns out perfectly. If she's rude, then that's a good lesson for you because it says that you are unconscious and you could not see that she carries lots of anger and rudeness around with her (she needs lots of therapy). She was communicating this non-verbally and you didn't pick up on it. If she's laughs rudely in your face and you feel terrible, and the next day she comes up and says, "I feel terrible about the way I acted yesterday, then you've chosen well.
Your fear is natural. Where does the fear come from? It comes from something that's happened to you when you failed before. A toddler, having no experiences of falling off a wall or of getting burned is blindly unafraid. After their first accident they learn to be afraid. The very first time a parent yells a startling abusive yell (and doesn't complete the experience for the child, acknowledging the abuse) the child lives life always afraid it might happen again. They actually put an unconscious cap on their spontaneity, they become cautious. They live from fear.
A boy who has interacted with his sisters and their girl friends has entirely different point of view of girls. To him girls are real. They fart, puke, cry, and have tempers and in many ways they are just like boys, and so certain kinds of fears and embarrassments are not there for the brother.
Children/teens who have a nurturing environment, who live with parents who communicate openly and honestly and spontaneously ask their parents such questions. "Mom, how do I ask...?" Most likely it's inconceivable for you to have such a conversation with even one of your parents. So my answer depends upon whether you want to locate and disappear the fear for life or just find a quick fix so that you can date her.
The answer of course is that ideally you'd like to do both. Locate and disappear the fear for life so that never ever are you afraid to approach a girl and to have her say yes to your invitation. The end result is. you want to spend some time with this girl soon.
To produce a "Yes, I'd love to. I was just about to ask ask you." result, you must envision asking her and having her reply rudely, "No way. Get the _ _ _ _ away, you creep." If you can choose to have that happen then you'll most likely succeed. You have to choose to be afraid. Think about walking up to her, actually get into her vicinity where, if you weren't afraid it would be a good place to ask her. It's a bit tricky because if you do it when others are around you might not have her full attention and then you wouldn't be certain what the "no" was about.
Depending upon just how serious you are about acknowledging to yourself that you have fear, see if you can describe what the fear is. She'd think you're a jerk, or, if others knew and heard that she declined they'd laugh and then you'd feel embarrassed. In communication jargon we call those thoughts "considerations." They are real in the mind, they serve as barriers to producing the results we say we want. It works to write your thoughts and considerations in a journal. Use
The Clearing Process for five days in a row, and then ask her.
Thanks for asking, Kerry
PS. Power is the rate of speed at which you cycle through things. A person committed to being whole and complete, not walking around with confusions and tons of procrastinations would find out her name immediately. They wouldn't want that incomplete (the confusion of not knowing her name and if she's a possible date/friend) floating around in their mind occupying space, sapping consciousness—especially while studying. A student who is always raising his/her hand asking questions, asks so that they can then be with what follows. They continually make the choice to be thought of as a nerd by others so as to be whole and complete.
Last edited 2/20/19
