How do I tell my parents that I'm dating? Posted anonymously.
There is no easy way. You’ll have to choose to have your fear and be uncomfortable. This is different than walking through the jungle and suddenly coming face-to-face with a tiger. That’s the kind of fear of which you have little or no choice. The way to master fear with parents is to choose to enter into the conversation with the fear and the uncomfortableness (similar to choosing to watch a horror movie). Picture moving your fear from in front of your chest to tucking it under your arm. When it’s under your arm it’s not between you and the other serving as a barrier to communication. Watch what happens each second. The great thing about it is; once you’ve done it, the next time will be easier, eventually, there will be no hesitation.
The great thing about zero fear with parents is that you won't have fear in your personal relationships, marriage, etc. The vast majority of adults (yes most) hide stuff from their spouses because of fear, the exact same fear they didn’t handle when they were a teen with their parents.
Tip: The way to communicate something difficult is to create a context.
A context is also referred to as a basket into which you will put the content (that which you are afraid to talk about).
For example: You make the basket out of sentences that are your considerations (thoughts, fears, doubts, and worries). Each sentence weaves a stronger basket. The stronger the basket the easier it is for the recipient (your parent(s)) to simply get your communication and to be with it appropriately, instead of overreacting.
It might go like this: “Mom, I’ve got something I’d like to talk about. Is this a good time? I need you to sit down with me” You have to learn how to control others and you learn this with your parents. Choose to control the situation so that you have her full attention. If she’s watching TV or on the Internet, you won’t have her full attention. Getting control, getting her attention, creates a context of importance.
If she replies, “What’s it about?” (which is how parents wrest back control) then you communicate to her, using your words, “I need to have you sit down with me. Maybe we could do it after supper? I just don’t want to start talking until I have your full attention.”
Now if you’re not used to talking to your parents like this, then this is where you begin to master fear. Choose to be assertive and in control.
Your mom is now sitting down with you and she might say, “OK, what’s this about?” Make sure there’s no one else in the room.
Sentence #1 of the basket: “Mom, I’ve got something to tell you and I’m afraid that you might get angry and interrupt me.” This fear is called a consideration. It communicates: I have the consideration that the minute I open my mouth you’ll guess what I’m about to say and you’ll fly off the handle. What you are doing is tapping into the mind. The purpose of the mind is to be right. Once you suggest that she might not have the ability to listen to you or that you think she can’t hear something without flying off the handle, her mind will unconsciously command her to prove you wrong. And she’ll listen to what you have to say.
Sentence #2 of the basket: “I’m afraid that what I’m about to tell you will ruin our relationship. I’m afraid that you will no longer be able to trust me. I’m afraid that I’ll never ever be able to get back your trust. I know I need a consequence for what I’ve done but I’m afraid that you’ll go off the deep end and make it more than it should be." Keep communicating your specific fears until you have communicated them all. By this time she’ll be very ready to hear what this terrible thing is. Notice that you haven't even mentioned the topic yet.
Once you tell her, be sure to offer her a solution, a consequence. To not do so sets it up for her to be the bad guy. For example: "Mom. I've been dating. I don't feel good knowing I've deceived you. I'd like to introduce him to you and to be grounded for a week."
Now let's get to what this was about in the first place. Obviously, your parent(s) communicated "don’t date until" or whatever. You either argued with them or you stuffed your reaction. No matter, the fact is that you didn’t have the communication skills to cause them to see that you are mature and ready for dating, your sneakiness was proof positive that they were right. Argh. Not what you wanted to hear, yes?
For example: If your parents believe that you're not ready to date then you have fear in your relationship with your parents. You don’t yet have a partnership with them. They relate with you from, "I’m the boss, and you’re not." This is partly why they have debate classes in high school; a debate class is where you learn to manipulate ideas and parents. The trick is to learn how to manipulate others so that both they and you win.
Another example: The fact that you didn't feel confident enough to argue and win your case for dating reveals that you don't yet have the communication skills it will take to fend off an amorous boy; boys simply won't take no from an immature "easy" affection-starved wimp who is clearly not ready to date. Most likely, you will, using your present leadership-communication skills, dress sexy and set him up to repeatedly beg for sex; this, rather than declare up front. "Zero sex, is that OK?" Girls unconsciously con boys into using the exact words they want to hear so as to have sex; usually it's "I love you." A girl who has stopped hugging her father is hungry for affection and mistakes sex for love.
The deception with your parents is a covert expression of disrespect and upset. Furthermore, it reveals that you have at least one, but most likely many other, deceits with them and others. An enlightened parent knows that when a child breaks an agreement that it’s really about another broken agreement for which they have yet to catch/acknowledge you.
You’re at a significant fork in the road. You have a choice, to restore your integrity with your parents or to continue on the long downhill slide to crashing and burning. Most adults have accumulated so many unacknowledged childhood/teen perpetrations that they don’t pay themselves back until it really matters, when they have lots to lose, such as a child, house, money, or health. You are fortunate in that your integrity is close enough to the surface (not too badly damaged) that your out-integrity bothered you enough to think about cleaning up the mess (you wrote this letter). Now that you’ve written it and have read my reply, we’ll see if you were just pretending to be responsible or if in fact you will clean it up between you and your parents.
Another point: If your date knows you sneaked out on your parents then you’ve got another equally serious problem. You magnetically attracted someone who supports lying and deceiving. It indicates that there’s more going on here between you and your folks than what you’ve presented. That is to say, a responsible date, committed to honoring his/her parents, would not put themselves in the situation to be conned by you. If he/she supports you in deceiving your parents he/she will eventually deceive you as well. In short, your date is not someone you can be proud of to bring home to your parents, because he/she won't be able to be spontaneous with them. They'd be hiding (deceiving) your parents. Him: "Oh yes, did I mention that I've been supporting your child in deceiving you?" Your date has no idea at all that there is a correlation between your integrity and your grades/future successes. In truth, he is unconsciously thwarting and sabotaging you, and your relationship with your parents.
You need to communicate all the thoughts (including unacknowledged perpetrations) you have been withholding from your parents. Once you do you’ll find life working much better. Till then we won’t know for sure if your low grades and other dissatisfactions are about your communication skills or about the consequences of your integrity.
BTW: Withholders (those addicted to withholding thoughts from parents and significant others) automatically, magnetically, attract withholders. That is to say, your date is also deceiving their parents; put another way, you conned him into deceiving his parents—there are no exceptions to this phenomenon.
Thanks so much for reaching out. Millions of teens have the same problem.
With aloha, Kerry
P.S. Most adults will tell you they too did something "bad" to lose the trust of their parents, that it looked like they'd never ever be able to regain their trust. Not so. Within a few weeks or months your good reliable behavior will wipe your slate clean. Time, chore, and homework agreements kept are important indicators that you're back on track.
Last edited 7/7/23
