how can i tell a boy like me?
Anon wrote, "how can i tell a boy like me?" [sic] followed with another letter, "i like this boy but i do not know how i can ask him out?"
Hi Anon: When adults first meet it's not always clear whether or not each like the other, so your question is not just for teens. What you're dealing with is something every teen comes up against ... fear. Some go through it and others don't; most have fear/intimidation in their relationships with the opposite sex for life. Your fear reveals that you're normal and healthy.
How to know is not easy to answer accurately. Some might reply, "You just know. If you have to ask then he's not interested in you as a girl friend." or, "He may like like you but not respect you, seeing you only as as a sex toy to be manipulated." However, this is not always true. Many times I've met someone whom I didn't find to be interesting at first but after a few conversations we became good friends/lovers. I began one long-time relationship with a question, "Do you know that you come across as angry most of the time?"
I know the following advice is way beyond your comfort zone but it's food for thought. Your chances of finding/creating an
ideal partner are greatly enhanced if you learn now how to act (as opposed to react). To act is to initiate introductions. To react is to wait to be introduced to or to be asked. I say this because the courage it would take to ask a guy, "Hey! Think you might like to go to the game with me?" are exactly the same leadership-communication skills it takes to make a relationship work. For sure it can be very scary, however, if you look at the women you admire you'll notice that they are all outgoing, courageous, and forthright. They simply don't waste time wondering. They ask. They get the truth, and depending upon the answer, move on to the next problem/communication (more accurately, they create their next problem). The pattern of getting answers to questions is referred to as:
a. Creating a problem
b. Having a problem
c. Completing a problem.
Power is the rate of speed at which you cycle through problems. Notice that the way you have been handling the problem, "does he like me," has kept you stuck in confusion for several days. This keeps you incomplete. Your mind has been partially preoccupied with this question. Instead of being able to totally be with a teacher when he/she is communicating subject matter, your mind is partially clouded with this incomplete. Once you get the answer then you can move on to a new problem. I.e. Where to go on your first date or who to look for next.
Most boys are equally afraid of you. He may really like you but be petrified to let you know or to do anything that might be misconstrued as an advance, in part because he is very afraid of the pain and humiliation of rejection.
One thing we know is when another is looking at us. If you have looked at him a few times and caught his eye, he absolutely knows you are interested in him. He might have a girlfriend. His parents might have grounded him for a month. He might work after school and simply doesn't have time or money for dating. He also could be gay/transsexual. He may, intuit, as some men/boys can, that you're a user and will expect him to pay. He may notice that you don't study or that you hang around teens who are failing/misbehaving. We just don't know.
Here's how to ask.
Before asking go to
The Clearing Process (it's free) and write down all the fears you have, all the things you're afraid he might say or think. All the things your friends or others might think if they knew you asked first. Then, with your fear tucked under your left arm, and your knees trembling, walk up to him and say, "Hey, you like me?" Or, "I've been thinking I'd like to get to know you." Or, "I like the way you are friends with everyone." I guarantee the second time you ask, and all other times after that for life, will be easier. This skill is especially important when it comes to asking for a job, or a pay raise.
One of the great things about being courageous is that you get to choose from everyone (boys/girls) not just the ones who ask you first.
Good luck,
Kerry
PS: I'm concerned that your relationship with your parents is such that you don't feel comfortable asking them your question. You can use
The Clearing Process to communicate the fears you have in your relationship with them—it will help disappear the fears.
Last edited 10/1/19
