| I cannot stress strongly enough that there is nothing wrong with you.
Adults are somewhat crazy, it's not you. You know and can see things that
adults have forgotten they know*. Most adults
lie and are hypocritical** and you can
see it. And, it drives you crazy because it seems like you are the only
one who can see it. It's absolutely confusing. You are not crazy. Not yet
anyway. If you are not experiencing that your parents love you it's because they have lost their ability to communicate. They have lapsed into talking which is an imitation of communication. How do we know? We know from the results. Communication is always a mutually satisfying experience. Note: After reading this web site it will be your responsibility to get into communication with them, to recreate for them the experience of communication. No one can teach your parents to communicate with you except you. Why, you ask? Because at this very moment you are the one reading about how to communicate with them. They are not reading about how to get into communication with you. They honestly think that you are the problem, "...if only he/she would...." instead of, "I wonder what it is about my leadership-communication skills that's causing my child to...?" If you can't teach them you'll fail in your personal relationships for life. That is to say, if you can't make a contribution to your parents, the ones that love you the most, you'll have no model of how to do it with others. If your parent smokes it's up to you to insist that they don't. No matter what anyone tells you, it's absolutely invalidating for a parent to smoke, after you tell them not to. Don't let them tell you the crap about love is giving someone space to be the way they are. Bull. Smoking is suicidal behavior. A smoker has lost their ability to control themselves. Smoking is a communication that you are not worth opting for health. It communicates, "I don't give a shit that it bothers you. So what! I'm the boss. Get off my case. I don't give a damn that it's abusive and that it invalidates you as a person and your ability to inspire others to opt for health." It's important that you formulate the intention to make such a contribution to your parent's life. Take for example their anger: Most parents have not been taught how to communicate upset and anger in a way that disappears it. Consequently, when they yell at you, or each other, they don't even know that they are really upset about an earlier incident, one that is still not complete for them. When I say "earlier" I mean a similar incident that happened during their childhood, one in which they did not experience a satisfying outcome. There are exceptions to the above statement: If their anger is legit, if it's genuinely appropriate anger, say, you broke an expensive antique, then they will get angry. However, and here's the test, genuine anger, anger that's really about what they say the anger is about lasts, and get this, only 10 seconds. Why you say does genuine anger only last ten seconds. It only lasts ten seconds because when they expressed their anger they told the truth. For example; "Damn, Josh, that was an expensive thing. I'm so damn pissed at you. It was an antique and it's irreplaceable." In other words, when the truth is told, the anger is gone, completely. This is how you know that your parents are really angry about something else, when they prolong the dramatization of the anger. Notice in the above example they didn't make you wrong. They merely said they were angry and what's so, that it was an expensive irreplaceable item. That's a communication the mind can get without shutting down. Virtually all adult anger is a dramatization of an incomplete. Genuine anger communicated responsibly with the intent to complete it lasts about ten seconds. Dramatized anger, to make someone wrong, lasts much longer, sometimes a lifetime. They honestly and sincerely believe that the argument is about the burnt toast or your grades. Not. Your parents, your mother and your father are each still arguing over a childhood incident similar to burnt toast, or their childhood grades, or an argument they lost with their parent. Your parents have become just what they didn't want to become; they behave exactly like their yelling angry parents. Aaah, but you say, my father's the one who yells, my mom doesn't. This could be a bit difficult to get. Your mom yells. She's mastered yelling. She just does it covertly, mostly non-verbally, so that you can't see or hear it. She is every bit out-integrity as is your blatantly obviously abusive father. A mother of integrity would say, "Please go and acknowledge to your son that you know you were abusive. Then I want you to get some counseling to get to the source of your inappropriate anger. Got that? Is that clear?" Now here's the bad. The "nice" parent supports the obviously abusive parent in staying stuck. Why? So the good parent doesn't have to look at their own cause in the matter. As long as they can cause everyone to agree, including you, that he is the more abusive, they distract everyone from insisting that they also they get therapy. Put another way, If you have come to like one parent better than another it's through the leadership-communication skills of the favored parent. That one has cleverly and covertly turned you against the other. You will, at some point in your life, have to assume the wisdom of Solomon. When two kids are fighting you must know that both started it. You must have the wisdom to ask each, "What did you do to cause the other to abuse you?" The one who refuses to answer is the one addicted to blame. * things most adults have forgotten they know: Ever hear adults bitch about someone on trial, "He doesn't look like he's sorry." "He doesn't look the least bit worried. He must be guilty." "He shows no sign of grief or remorse," etc. All this shows is that the adult saying it is ignorant. When a person first gets put in jail, innocent or guilty, they experience everything from frustration, to anger, to rage. They have hours upon hours to reflect upon life and come to realizations that most people don't have in a lifetime. By the time they get to the witness stand they have completed most of what they were experiencing. Usually it's the guilty who have any act left. Most innocent defendants are numb. It is impossible for someone committed to open, honest, and spontaneous communication to become a politician. At best they are masters of avoiding answering certain questions, this is called deceit. All politicians are addicted to badmouthing (zero exceptions). Spouses of politicians come to dislike certain people they've never even met based upon the politician's dinner table badmouthing. To be a politician you must compromise your integrity and interact with, and do favors for, people whom you know to be dishonest and self-serving, thereby empowering dishonesty in government. Few school principals are leaders. What's so is they are holding down positions of leadership without having been certified as a leader. They are what's referred to as in-the-process-of-becoming-a-leader. How do we know this? A leader knows how to inspire all subordinates to show up to all meetings on time, hand in all reports neatly completed and on time, and ensure that the buildings are consistently clean and maintained, no excuses, no reasons. When a school system has a leader as its principal teacher's know how to produce similar results from students and parents because all they have to do is recreate the principal's model. A leader would not allow a caffeinated drink or candy dispenser on the school premises, only someone who has sold out for job-survival/money would do such a thing to his/her charges (the students). In fact a leader would say, I'll accept the job of principal providing you agree to repair all broken things, provide the teachers with all the books and supplies they are asking for, and, remove the sugar machines. Someone in the process of becoming a leader holds on tenaciously to their excuses and reasons why things can't be done. "It takes time," "You've got to understand"... etc."
Want to know why you probably are not attracted to potentially one the most admirable professions on the planet? I'm referring to the police force. It's your integrity. It is virtually impossible to have a police department of honest responsible officers. Why? Because Police Commissioners (local business people) only hire police chiefs who themselves practice deceit (sting operations) and so the chief can only attract/retain subordinates who believe that some deceit is OK if the reason is good enough. Most all Police Chief's have one or more subordinates who are cheating on their spouse. A Police Chief honestly and sincerely cannot conceive of a department in which everyone told the truth all the time. A completely honest person cannot survive in an environment in which deceit is supported. It will in fact drive them crazy to compromise their integrity time and again. They have no choice but to shut down and adapt themselves to the conditions. ** "hypocritical" 1) A parent will tell you to be nice but you see them not being nice to each other. 2) A parent will tell you to not lie but you've heard them lying. 3) A parent will tell you to not badmouth others yet you see them doing it all the time. 4) A parent will tell you to not have sex before you get married but they have hid the fact from you that they had sex when they were your age. Note: We use the word parents to mean one or more parents. Last edited 3/16/18 Click here or close this window to return to the page you were on. [ top ] |
