How much do I have to tell my parents about what's going on in my mind and life?

Or, is it OK to hide some thoughts and things from my parents?

If you are asking this question it suggests that you have been raised in a family that uses the same communication model that's taught to education majors (teachers) in colleges. It's called the adversarial communication model.

The adversarial communication model is characterized by withholds, deceit, and blaming.

For example:

• Teachers blame legislators for not giving them enough funds for salaries, building repairs, and school supplies (books). They cannot see that the leadership-communication skills it takes to get sufficient funding are the same skills it takes to communicate subject matter so that it gets gotten.

• Police have been taught, by their high school teachers, that it's ok to deceive another to achieve a desired result. They cannot see that a sting operation creates space for a crime that would not have taken place.

• Parents learn, again from teachers, that it's OK to withhold certain thoughts, judgments, and criticisms about others.  As students, parents learned to be careful what they said to a teacher for fear of.... And, so parents withhold certain thoughts from each other for fear their spouse will get upset or even divorce them.

In a family in which the implied agreement is to withhold certain thoughts there are few if any experiences of joy and happiness (laughter, yes, but something is always missing). A withheld thought occupies space. Each morning one must get up and put the universe back together they way they left it the night before, including what to say and not say to their family members. The effects of the deceit is usually not noticed at first. But soon there are more things to hide, and so family members begin to get grouchy when someone starts to get too close to a withhold. Family members learn how to use anger to keep others away from whatever is being withheld.

So, your question—how much should you share?

You don't have a choice. You are already programmed to withhold. Only you and I know just how many thoughts you suppress each day so as to maintain the status quo. There was not one Columbine teacher who did not see the tremendous number of withholds in the two students.

Actually you do have two choices.

1. You can start with your closest friend, and all friends thereafter, and break the pattern. You can create a new communication model called open, honest, and spontaneous communication—zero significant thoughts withheld. However, it's a given that you will be the leader in all your relationships. You will have to teach and support your personal relationship partner because he/she grew up in an adversarial communication model household.

2. You can turn your parents on to this web site and ask if they would be willing to start communicating openly and honestly. As you know, most teens hide tons of stuff from the parents as a control mechanism. They do it so they can get their way. It's a con that has undesirable karma. What you don't know is that your parents have tons of things they have done that they have not told you. When they share that they smoked pot, or cheated in school, or had sex at age 13, they relinquish considerable control over you.

The bottom line is:

How do you want your children to relate with you? You are already living your model. Deceiving your parents today sets it up for your spouse and children to deceive you. It's how it works. Your integrity would have it no other way.

Note: We use the word parents to mean one or more parents or guardian.

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