Cheating and acknowledging:

No lecture here telling you to not cheat. Instead you'll read, if you need to cheat then cheat. WHAAAT??? you say.

Yes, that's true. Cheat and lie and steal. Get through those phases as fast as you can.

What most teens don't know is that they are supposed to lie, and cheat, and steal. That's what young adults do. It's an essential part of growing up. Yes, essential. It's how one discovers how to choose not to. It's how you discover the correlation between personal integrity and outcomes, the results you produce for yourself and all with whom you relate. Adults who were "good" as children (because of fear) with few childhood perpetrations, often become self-righteous, they have a difficult time with genuine compassion because they haven't been "caught" for anything; most always they decline an invitation to do The Clearing Process because they know they have been carrying around hundreds of unacknowledged perpetrations into each interaction.

You are supposed to lie. And, if the lie is acknowledged appropriately, it will prevent you from becoming addicted to lying. Thereafter you'll have a choice about lying rather than being a self-righteous truth-telling automaton. But for most, that's not at all what happens.

Adults forget that teens are supposed to lie. Few adults have been taught how to handle you when you have committed a perpetration.  When they handle you incorrectly, most likely the way they were handled, they accidentally cause you to take longer to get through the untrustworthy phase.

Here's how it's supposed to go:

Mom: "Did you brush your teeth?"

You: "Yup."

Mom: "H'm, how come I don't get that?"

You: "Honest mom, I did."

Mom: "Come here please." Looking you in the eye, she says, "I don't believe you. Let me ask again. Did you brush your teeth?"

At that moment your knees start to shake. You've been caught.

Every child knows that Mom can tell when you lie. But here's the rub. They usually can only tell when you lie your first lie. If they don't catch your first lie then they slowly begin to loose their lie-detecting ability. If they go unconscious and don't acknowledge your first lie, thereafter they are only guessing.

Here's what usually happens.

Mom: "Did you brush your teeth?"

You: "Yup."

Mom: "OK, get your butt into bed."

This was the beginning of your long and illustrious lying, cheating, and deceiving streak.

It's also the turning point for you and for your mother. Unbeknownst to her there are consequences for both you and for her. Things don't work as they used to. It wasn't just that she didn't catch your lie, that was only the final straw. She had been out-integrity elsewhere and didn't listen to the warning signs, the consequences; perhaps you dad has been more grouchy lately, possibly you didn't pick up your toys when first told, etc. She was slowly losing her leadership-communication skills.

What happened was, your mom had so many lies going on herself, so many deceits, so many thoughts she was withholding from your dad and others, that she was no longer in-integrity. She was not present. She wasn't here and now. She had lost her ability to be with you. She was, unbeknownst to you or her, unconscious. She wasn't being her sharp self, therefore she could not hear your lie. Your voice (the whole of the experience of your lie) was a dead give away. Before, she had been so in tune with your vibrations that she didn't even have to be in the same room to know if you were alright/OK (in-integrity). Your "Yup" didn't have the ring of certainty. It was too something-or-other.

For you, because it was your first lie, it didn't feel good. You were surprised to hear yourself lie so blatantly. Yet you had no choice (we'll get to this later). We know you were unconscious because you didn't even have a choice to correct yourself right after you said it. Here you were, lying to your creator, and it didn't bother you enough to clean it up immediately. No way would you do that except if you were out-integrity, not conscious, not your former innocent cherub self. It was in fact, about something else for which you had not got caught.

Here's how amazing everything is.

You could not let yourself get away with the lie. You went to bed and it rumbled around in the back of your mind. And you went further unconscious (to sleep).

The next morning it looked like she had forgotten the incident but you couldn't look her directly in the eye, not exactly as before. You thought that she might be toying with you, that she really knew, and that she was testing you.

Unbeknownst to you, you being so impeccably honest, life has been about getting caught for your first lie. You unconsciously began lying more and more and doing "bad" things. You'd get punished for the new things but not for the first lie. Without you even knowing it, you lost some respect for your mother, the one whom you discovered could be easily deceived, conned, and manipulated.

Now here's the cool thing that most teens don't know and very few adults know. The way to complete your experience of attracting liars and cheats into your life and relationships, is to acknowledge your first lie to your mom or dad. It's that simple. Once you've completed that communication, that interaction, you can begin to have new relationships, not ones that support you in cleaning up past perpetrations.

Once you've ack'd the lie to your mom, you'll then magically be able to hear other's lies. And, here's the most exciting thing, you will complete the incident for your mom, who for life has had no idea that that was the turning point for you and her, and all her other relationships. In other words, setting it up for another to lie to you has consequences also.

Another cool thing, one that few adults know. Most adults do not know that their unacknowledged lies and deceits (cheating on exams) when they were young are still having effects to this day. The key word is unacknowledged. Lies for which you or they have been caught (acknowledged) no longer have a charge. The karma has been arrested (disappeared, stopped, or at least greatly diminished).

"Greatly diminished" refers to: If you stole something and you got caught and your parents punished you, then you may not be complete. The incident may still be effecting you and the results you are producing today. Why? Because you are still reacting, not from the crime, but from the punishment. In other words you stole and felt badly. You abused yourself. Then on top of it your parents further abused you by making you feel even worse.

"Greatly diminished" could also refer to: If you stole something and your father punished you but did not make you take it back or pay the merchant, then you still owe the merchant (or, a donation to a nonprofit, or community service).

"Greatly diminished" could also refer to: If you had an accident with your dad's car and he punished you but not correctly. He never made you reimburse him for the repairs, or the increase in car insurance premiums, then you still owe him money, no matter his "forgiveness" communications.

These consequences are self imposed. You know in your heart that your consequence to date was not enough or accurate or appropriate. Your integrity won't allow you to get away with screwing over anyone. Your integrity will keep setting up life (you'll unconsciously keep recreating similar incidents, even setting it up for others to do a similar act to you) to give you opportunity to remember and clean up the first incident for which you have not acknowledged it (completely) to yourself or another.

Here's how it's supposed to work. When you steal or lie your parents are supposed to say, "I got it." Nothing more. Anything else gets in the way of you experiencing your integrity. Instead of experiencing the effects of being out-integrity you're reacting to their abusive words (the emotional charge on top of their upset) and actions. Putting abuse on top of a perpetration sets it up for you to have to do the whole thing all over again. You have to keep lying and stealing until someone; 1) acknowledges your first incident 2) handles you appropriately, which is to "get you," not make you wrong. See The Clearing Process it's one of four free communication processes located at The Clearing House in support of cleaning up life's perpetrations). For more about the first lie read the Community Support Group Project.