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Reunion Conversations
Definitions: Withholds
Withhold: A withhold is any thought withheld
from a significant person for a
significant * reason. A withhold serves as a barrier to the
experience of communication, of joyous love and, to consistently
manifesting one's stated intentions. All
divorced couples (both partners) consciously withheld one or more significant (usually
deal-breaking) thoughts from each other on their first date. ** I.e. Withholders always attract
withholders. Dating withholders, those addicted to deceiving others
(specifically their parents), ***
automatically, unconsciously, non-verbally, grant each other permission to
withhold his/her thoughts of choice. A person who
operates from integrity tells the truth; any
out-integrity in a relationship dooms
your partner to a life with little or no joy—consciously
choosing to withhold a thought is referred to as premeditated
abuse. *
"significant" Three tests to determine if a thought
is a significant withhold:
1. If
the thought reoccurs. 2. If your mind argues
with your God-self about whether to share it or not.
3. If you know or suspect another would get upset if you shared the thought
verbally with them.
The word " verbally" reminds us that all withholds
are being communicated non-verbally. At some
level of consciousness your partner knows
something's missing. I.e. "I'm not experiencing the experience
of love very often." It's understood that anyone the
mind chooses to withhold a thought from is a significant person.
Examples—
— Perhaps on (or even before****) your very first
date with your partner you withheld from them a health
consderation or that you had previously been in a
physically abusive relationship or, the biggie, that your family
is
dysfunctional. You withheld some thought you suspected would
be a deal-breaker if he/she knew. What happened was you chose to
deceive them; withholds delivered non-verbally affect
everyone with whom you relate. What also happened
on your first date was, unbeknownst to you, you automatically,
unconsciously, non-verbally, granted them permission to withhold
their thought(s) of choice from you. In other words, you began the
deceit between you. They intuitively knew that they had found in
you someone who would not require open and honest communication,
someone who would allow significant withholds.
— No doubt you participated in some damaging gossip/badmouthing
about another and never told the person to their face.
— Most likely you conned a high school date into deceiving both
sets a parents so as to have sex, and you've yet to acknowledge
the deceit to all concerned.
— Other withholds could be specific experiences that you stuffed, such
as what it was like to be on the receiving end of someone's
communication. — A withhold can be a long overdue expression of
appreciation, respect or love, or, a resentment or a thought of
disrespect or an unacknowledged perpetration. Sometimes you
must gently grab the person's head and look at him/her
directly in the eyes and say, "I want
you to know I appreciate you?" —such is our resistance to
acknowledging and to being acknowledged. Typically, a person
will reply, "Ah, that's OK, don't mention it." In which
case, you reply, "Yes, I am mentioning it. Please tell me
you get it!" Many, after the death of loved one,
regret not having acknowledged many things (read:
The Completion Process—it's about having significant
communications with a person who is dying. If someone is afraid to tell
you a truth then you have not created a
safe space for the truth to be told. You have in fact
unconsciously created fear in your relationship. We use fear to
control others, mostly to keep them around. In most all cases of
infidelity the "victim" blames their partner rather than
accept responsibility for having driven them into the arms
of another, for not being a safe space for them to share
certain thoughts. During coaching all "victims" acknowledge
that it was their intention (albeit an unconscious one) to
be deceived; that using their leadership-communication
skills they set it up to be deceived.
**
With 44+ years of 3-hour consultations I have not found any exceptions to this
entanglement phenomenon.
*** The majority of parents,
using their leadership communication-skills, train
their children to deceive them—evidenced by the fact that most
dating
teens con each other into deceiving both sets of
parents so as to have sex. Parents learn this way of communicating,
of interacting, by mirroring their teachers (Education Majors) who
themselves learned to relate this way in the nation's
university/college Speech-Communication Departments. Colleges do not
offer a communication mastery curriculum; I don't know of any that
teach one how to relate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero
significant withholds, specifically, none offer Leadership Training.
**** "on or before"
Perhaps you hid from your date that your family is
dysfunctional or that you were only dating them for
the possibility of having sex, or, that you knew (an up front
decision) that you definitely would not have sex during the date.
Withholds are deceptive; deceits have compounding consequences.
Click
underlined words for examples
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